If We Didn't Laugh

Written by Maggie Birge on August 23, 2001, after news of Michael Crawford's casting in Broadway's
The Dance of the Vampires.

our man mike has got the knack!

not casting him would be silly.

make up your mind and get him signed.

he's belonged to the stars since billy!

think what he was like as barnum

and don't give us no more baloney!

tired of the games and latin names.

we want crawford, not some old phoney!

some mother's do 'ave 'em, it's true

and mike's mum had one who is erik!

cast the only ghost worthy of merit!

a funny thing, mr lloyd webber. . . .

we are still ready to fight you!

hand to your throat, not eyes, please note,

von krolock is coming to bite you!

we still don't want an imposter

who struts around like a bantam!

we want the best, stuff all the rest

and give us the one true phantom!

countess von krolock

DANCE OF THE PHANS

Click here for the musical version

(To the tune of "The Dance of the Vampires" - English Demo version)
By Cory

Turnaround,
Every now and then we get a little bit discouraged
at you never coming round….
Turnaround,
Every now and then we get a little bit tired
of you not listening to the sound of our tears….
Turnaround,
Every now and then we get a little bit angry
that the best of all the years have gone by…
Turnaround,
Every now and then we get a little bit weary
when we hear another story and a lie…

Turnaround from lies,
Every now and then we all lose heart…
Turnaround from lies,
Why won’t you cast Michael for the part?

Turnaround,
Every now and then we get a little bit restless
and we dream of the film that was your child...
Turnaround,
Every now and then we feel a little bit helpless
as we watch the movie’s story going wild…
Turnaround,
Every now and then we get a little bit angry
when you once more give us all the cause to cry…
Turnaround,
Every now and then we get a little bit weary
when we hear another story and a lie….

Turnaround from lies,
Every now and then we all lose heart…
Turnaround from lies,
Why won’t you cast Michael for the part?

And we need you to make this right!
The movie needs you more than ever!
And if you’d only be filming it right,
We’d all be thanking you forever!
And if you’d only be making it right,
We'll support your film together!
We can take it to the end of the line,
Your work should be recorded for the all of the time…
Don't know what else to do, your fans are in the dark,
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks!

Please make the Phantom movie right!
Forever could begin tonight,
Please film the Phantom movie right!!!

Once upon a time you cast Michael for the role,
But now the story's falling apart…
Is there nothing we can do?
A total eclipse of the part!

Music of the Knight (To the tune of Endless Appetite from the Dance of the Vampires demos)
By Cory
::why am I up while the sun's out?...

VON CRAWFORD (spoken):
Forgive me, Father,
For I will sing...
...over and over again,
Song without end.
Amen.

But can there be anything
As incandescently sad
Than that most tragic of times
When good musicals go bad?

So much music flowing
From Andrew's score.
It brought an ocean
Of pure tears.
I learned to sing with mercy,
Howl in pain,
And cause intoxicating fear.

I used my voice
Just like an angel's.
I used a mask
To cover a wound.
I used Andrew's music
To cover a wound!

And I'll never know
Why he wants me
To disappear,
But I can see The Phantom
Rising up
Out of my mem'ries now,
Just like the candles
Rising up from the gloom!

VON CRAWFORD (sung):
Well, there're
No stars tonight.
The P.T.B. hide -
Don't want to see
My face.
So many years have passed,
So many curtains gone down,
Too many fights about the film,
Too many lives turned upside down...

The show was new
And the theatre clean.
Nineteen-eighty-six,
The Phantom was the scene.
I played Erik
For the very first time.
The part was so right,
I never flubbed up a line.

No-one knew the show
Would do so good.
The critics tried
To stop us.
Oh, they thought
They could!
But we played NYC,
And then fate
Took control,
And we walked away
With seven Tonys.

But when the rumours flew
That A.B.'d be in the film,
My world fell apart.
I'd been promised The Phantom
In the film to come,
But I'm replaced
By a git and a fart!

I long to sing
In total freedom,
But The P.T.B. keep
Dragging me down.
I want to be
The angel/devil
Erik himself,
But I am nothing
But a has-been
Dreaming of the part
I can't have.

And a campaign
Went up
All around the world.
It's a fight
That never ends.
The Phantom movie
Is elusive,
And the music never ends.

When the show
Has drawn
It's final breath
And extinguished
The stage lights,
There'll be nothing left
But an empty theatre,
And The Music of the Night.

The mayor's daughter
Came to the concert
That night
In ninteen-ninty-two
To hear Music of the Night.
With my golden voice,
I sang a song of love
That brought a tear
Upon her skin.

And my loving phans,
In ninteen-ninty-eight,
Came to The Phantom's aide,
Made a campaign so great.
When I recall their love,
I can't help but think,
"How can The-Powers-That-Be
Be so blind?"

So much music flowing
From Andrew's score.
It brought an ocean
Of pure tears.
I learned to sing with mercy,
Howl in pain,
And cause intoxicating fear.

And I'll never know
Why I should disappear,
But I see Erik
Rising up
Out of my mem'ries now,
Just like the candles
Rising up from the gloom!

And there's no way ever
To forgive A.B.
For all that he has said.
I get no thanks,
No recognition,
And so the campaign never ends.

There are those
Who believe in science,
And those
Who believe in art.
There are those
Who believe in
Power and wealth,
Or in love,
And matters of the heart.

There are those
Who believe in
Various Gods,
In nations and knowledge,
In Hell and in Heaven,
The safety of the darkness,
Or the cold, unfeeling light.

But phans believe in
Just one voice
That sings
Endless and sensational,
Golden, indestructible
Music of the Night!

There's a prediction that
I now will make,
And I'm sure
I will be right:
When A.B.'s Phantom
Is finally filmed,
The sound most heard
Throughout the world -
The sobbing music of The Knight

Our Phantom was sufferin' from grief.
His role stolen by some Latin thief!
Now he's reVAMPed himself
n' celebrating his health
with a nice big APERITIF!! (a pair o' teeth!)