A long time ago in an
empire
Far, far away…
In a land called
Hollywood…
PHANTOM
WARS
Episode XII
Written by Mishi, The EFX Mistress
In a galaxy far, far away, the battle between the evil Empire and the mighty Rebel Campaign rages on.
Daily, the dauntless crusaders, in support of Mike Solo-Singer, courageously patrol the celestial border between the divine realm of The Voice and that foul, reptilian world of creative disaster, which is inhabited by brainless androids who have been programmed to dismiss the Phantom masterpiece as “hokum.”
The evil Lord Darth Webber and his Phantom movie script assassin, O-Ben-Wanna-Be-Pee-O, now believe, in their misguided, delusional state, that their alien version of the story will enslave and enrapture the entire cosmos.
Having blasted the Music of the Knight into a scum-ridden hyperbin, Lord Darth Webber has composed a fistful of unfamiliar dirges for a heavily accented Phantom Menace who lacks the true power of The Voice.
The notorious and arrogant Sword Swinger, Habla-le-Strut, now a seasoned member of the infamous Movie Bomb Squad, has recently fouled all artistic space with his ego-saturated claim that he has been preparing for the coveted Phantom movie role for most of his life.
By his own account, those who have heard him sing draw back in fear and frequently tell him to “Shut up!” Gasping huskily from a monastery on the smoky planet of Nicoteenite, he insists that he “does not want to disappoint anybody,” and that it is “not for an individual to decide.”
Habla-le-Strut further claims that he would shrug and wait for another project, but continues to contact the media throughout the galaxy with the boastful claims that he has won the right to wear the Sacred Mask.
The Sword Swinger acknowledges the strong rear-guard action fought by The Rebel Campaigners, and has himself described Mike Solo-Singer’s performance of The Phantom as “magnificent.”
However, the Phantom Menace also takes the attitude that all is fair in love and war and refutes the desire of the masses for purity within the Phantom Movie Script.
He further states that this erstaz version, designed by his mentor, Darth Webber, will not be filmed for the millions of Phantom Phans who adore the original theatrical masterpiece that has enthralled planet Earth.
Consequently, The Rebel Campaigners continue to regard this dastardly Phantom Movie Plan with Olympian disdain and anticipate its doom at the interplanetary box office.
Mike Solo-Singer, the rightful owner of the Sacred Mask, continues his reign as a Cred-High Knight of Intergalactic High Success. The sun-kissed planet of Oz, Land of the Roos, has now proclaimed his dominion over the galaxy by firing his latest collection of vocal treasures to No. 1 in their Starcharts.
Indeed, Mike Solo-Singer’s astro-nomical appeal shows no sign of waning and he remains in the exhaled position of being the first choice throughout the galaxy for the Phantom Movie.
If the evil Lord Darth Webber and The Wayward Warlord Brothers should proceed with their phoul Phantom phool movie plan and forsake forever the great power of The Voice, they have little hope of persuading the millions of Phantom phans to turn to the dark side.
For certain, this legion of Rebel Campaigners will never turn!
May The Voice be with you throughout this dark and bitter struggle for magnificence over mediocrity!
And the battle rages on…
- The Michael Crawford Phantom Movie Campaign
A crude-looking castle rose over the dunes of the planet Toobizzy, trying pathetically to look magnificent.
“What an ugly building.” Lt. Dale said, looking up at the castle.
Raoul, The Wussie shifted the weight of the supply pack from one shoulder to the other. “This place is just made of sand. Why don’t we just shovel out a corner of the foundation to bring it crashing to the ground?”
“Because Mike Solo-Singer is in there. We’re here to rescue him, so we can’t let fifteen stories of sand fall on his head and kill him, now can we?”
Raoul grumbled a protest as Dale pounded on the castle’s front doors.
A droid appeared in the door window. “Whadda ya want?!”
“We need to see Habla-le-Strut.” Dale demanded.
“The great Zorrotoo will see no-one. Now bugger off!” And the droid slammed the window shut.
“Well,” Raoul turned to the Lt., “He was certainly rude, wasn’t he?”
“Now see here!” Dale pounded at the door. “You tell Habla-le-Strut that The Rebel Campaigners demand an audience with him! And we won’t leave until we see him!”
The droid reappeared. “The Rebel Campaigners? Why didn’t you say so in the first place?! Come on in!”
And the castle doors creaked open to reveal a long, dark, forbidding hallway.
“Why don’t you go save Mike,” Raoul suggested to Dale, “And I’ll stay here and wait.”
“Get inside!”
The two rebels were led to a large throne room, where the droid announced, “Lt. Dale and Raoul, Vicomte de Wussie, of the Rebel Campaigners, here to see the great Zorrotoo.”
And Habla-le-Strut appeared from behind a curtain, dressed as Zorro. He flashed his “mean look” around the room.
“What a schmuck!” Raoul laughed.
Dale elbowed him really hard in the ribs.
“Ow!”
“And what do you pathetic rebel warriors want from the great Zorrotoo?” Habla-le-Strut asked.
I can hardly understand a word he just said because of his stupid accent. Dale took a black, gold-trimmed music box from Raoul’s supply pack. “We come with a message from Erik, Le Fantome de L’Opera.”
The Lt. opened the music box, and in the mirror, Erik Catwalker’s reflection appeared.
“Bonjour, M. Habla-le-Strut.” Erik bowed.
The Spaniard shrugged. “Hola.”
“I want to make a deal with you,” Erik folded his hands in front of him, “A trade.”
“I have nothing you want, and I don’t want anything of yours.”
“We want Mike Solo-Singer.”
Habla-le-Strut scoffed. “In exchange for what?”
“The Rebels offer you this Wussie.” Erik pointed.
Raoul did a double take. “What?! Wait a minute, we never discussed this! Erik, you ba-”
“I’ll take him.” Habla-le-Strut interrupted.
Erik’s reflection disappeared, and Dale was shoved towards the front door.
“Hold on!” He protested. “What about Mike?!”
Habla-le-Strut waved bye-bye. “I said I’d take The Wussie. I never said I’d make the trade.”
And the Lt. Found himself outside in the sand.
“He wouldn’t release Mike?!” Sgt. Vi tried to keep from screaming.
“Look on the bright side,” Princess Christine Daae smiled, “At least we’re rid of Raoul.”
Dale turned to Erik as he tried to brush the sand out of his hair. “So what do we do now?”
Erik shook his head. “I’m not sure. I really thought that being nice to Habla-le-Strut would do the trick.”
“If only everything in this war were that simple.” Sgt. Greaves sighed.
“Rrrraahhggh! Leave it up to the women to get things done around here!!” And Vi stormed out of the meeting room. “Christine, are you coming or not?!”
“Wow.” Greaves turned to the others. “With the way she’s been acting lately, you would think Vi was in love with Mike!”
Lord Darth Webber, filled with excitement, waited eagerly at the loading docks. The great Emperor Maulmeyer, coming aboard my ship!
Darth Webber grinned.
It was a grand occasion, indeed, as Emperor Maulmeyer never left his office in the black hole known as Klulis. He must have been very proud of the lord to visit him in person.
Darth Webber grinned even bigger. Maybe he’ll reward me by raising my status in society.
Well, one could dream, right?
“Ah, Lord Darth Webber.” Emperor Maulmeyer seemed to slither down the walkway.
“Welcome aboard, Your Majesty.” Darth Webber motioned down the hall. “Shall we take a walk?”
“I suppose, Lord Webber, that you’re wondering the reason for my visit.”
“I have an inkling, Sir.”
“I’m pleased with the way you got rid of Mike Solo-Singer, yes, but you lost Sgt. Greaves to the rebel cause.”
Darth Webber quickly swallowed his pride. Actually, he choked on it. “A…a minor loss, I assure you, Your Majesty. She poses no threat.”
“Greaves poses a very large threat.” Emperor Maulmeyer turned to Darth Webber, pointing a long, pale, sickenly thin index finger at him, “You have given The Rebels a free pass to board our ships.”
Darth Webber just stared at The Emperor, his face blank.
“Sgt. Greaves knows everything about The Empire, you idiot!”
“Oh.”
“I didn’t come here to reward you, I came to see to it that things get done. Now, have that dim bulb droid, O-Ben-Wanna-Be-Pee-O, finish that Phantom Movie Script, have your troopers find Habla-le-Strut, and then film my movie!”
“Ye…yes, Sir!” And Darth Webber was down the hall as fast as his short legs could carry him.
“Slave, a drink.”
Raoul sighed and extended a glass of lemonade to Habla-le-Strut.
“Closer! The straw doesn’t reach my lips.”
This is so humiliating. Raoul thought.
Just then, a droid rushed into the throne room, his lights blinking in panic. “Great Zorrotoo, there’s a bounty hunter here, and I think you’d better listen to his demands! Eeee!”
The bounty hunter stormed into the room. He wore army green with brown leather gloves and boots, a bronze helmet covering his entire head.
“What do you want.” Habla-le-Strut asked, already bored and annoyed by the stranger’s presence.
“I am here to collect the reward,” The Bounty Hunter’s voice was strangely mechanical, “On this rebel scum.”
Raoul’s eyes went wide as the “rebel scum” was dragged into the room, bound at the wrists by heavy chains.
“Christine?!” He gasped.
The Princess glared at The Bounty Hunter. “Do you have to pull so hard? Geeze!”
“Silence, brat!” The mechanical voice hissed.
Habla-le-Strut leaned forward. “And what makes you think I’m gonna pay you for bringing her to me, Stranger?”
With incredible calm, The Bounty Hunter took a grenade out of his pocket and pulled the pin.
“That’s a pretty good reason.”
“Wanna get rid of that thing before we’re all killed?” Christine suggested.
The Bounty Hunter threw the grenade out the window with a shrug. “It’s just a dud.”
“Since it’s getting dark,” Habla-le-Strut said to The Bounty Hunter, “I will gladly offer you food and lod-”
The grenade exploded, spraying sand into the throne room.
Christine stared. “I thought you said that grenade was just a dud?!”
The Bounty Hunter shrugged. “Oops.”
Habla-le-Strut rose from the throne. “You’ll be rewarded in the morning, Stranger. Slave, take Princess Daae to the dungeons.”
“The Princess stays with me until morning, otherwise, I’ll blow this place sky high.”
“Slave, show The Bounty Hunter and The Princess to their room.”
Darkness settled over the castle of “The Great Zorrotoo,” the occupants retiring for bed. The only light in the castle shown on the block of carbonite that held Mike Solo-Singer. The only movement was that of The Bounty Hunter and Christine approaching Mike.
“(He looks so surreal.)” Christine stared. “(How do we free him?)”
“(There’s gotta be a switch on here somewhere.)”
“(They wouldn’t make a rescue that easy, would they?)”
“(I’m tired of looking.)” The Bounty Hunter stated, reaching into a supply pack. “(I’m usin’ a blow torch.)”
“What?!”
“Shut up, Christine! You’re gonna give us away!”
“You’re shouting, too!”
“(Hush up and help me hold the blow torch…please.)”
After a few tense moments, the blue flame from the blowtorch began to break through the huge block of frozen carbonite.
Christine grinned, unable to control her excitement. “(It’s working!)”
“(‘Course it’s working. The good-guys never stay imprisoned forever.)” The Bounty Hunter replied.
Mike Solo-Singer woke from his hibernation, the carbonite dripping to the floor, and it became obvious that Mike had been dreaming about Phantom. “…Help me make the music of the…niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.”
He collapsed on the floor, shielding his eyes from the blinding display spotlight. “Waaahh! I can’t see!”
“(Don’t shout.)” The mechanical voice of The Bounty Hunter hissed. “(You’ve just been in the dark too long. Your eyes’ll adjust in a minute.)”
Confused by the mechanical voice, Mike felt blindly at The Bounty Hunter’s helmet. “Who are you?”
“Someone who-…” Hesitating a moment, Vi pulled off the helmet, her voice no longer affected by the voice changer. “I’m a phan.”
“Vi! Oh, Vi, I’m so glad to see you! …Well, sort of.” Mike threw his arms around the Sgt. “I had the most horrible dream that Andrew Lloyd Webber went on a big power trip and wanted to cast Habla-le-Strut as The Phantom, and then he froze me in carbonite, and – ”
Christine shook her head, interrupting. “Mike, it’s not a dream.”
“…and you were there, Vi, and Christine was there, and…”
“Are we sure that being frozen in carbonite hasn’t affected his brain?” Christine asked Vi.
Mike “looked” around, trying to make his eyes see again. “Where are we?”
“Habla-le-Strut’s castle on the planet Toobizzy.” Vi helped Mike to his feet. “But don’t worry. We’re going home right now.”
And the room lights snapped on to reveal Habla-le-Strut and a small army of droids blocking the exit.
A video message from Habla-le-Strut appeared on The Rebel Campaigner’s computer monitors. “Ding-dong, message for you.”
“You’re releasing Mike?” Sgt. Greaves asked, hopeful.
“Guess again.”
Lt. Dale thought for a minute. “You’re taking your name out of the running for the Phantom movie?”
“Nope.”
“How about the fact that you’re an annoying pest?” Erik suggested.
Habla-le-Strut laughed. “Now I’ve got Raoul, Mike, Vi, and your precious Christine, too. Bwa-ha-ha-ha!”
Erik slammed his fist on the table, shouting a colourful array of French profanities.
Greaves and Dale stared at each other.
“I think I’ll go start the ship.” Greaves offered.
And she bolted down the hall with Dale hot on her heels.
Habla-le-Strut paced about the throne room. “Let me see…what shall I have my new slaves do first?”
He chuckled in delight. “This is too good to be true! The Rebel Campaigners are getting clumsy! Only three more leaders need to be caught, and they’re so upset right now that they’ll let their guard down, too. And when they do, the campaigners will crumble with no-one to guide them. Oh, what a glorious day it will be for The Empire!”
“Demented ding-dong.” Raoul murmured.
Habla-le-Strut ignored The Wussie as he slithered over to Vi and Christine.
The two women were very uncomfortable. And who could blame them? Their slave outfits were nothing more than very skimpy metal bikinis, late Princess Lea style, with just a touch of embarrassment and total humiliation. Christine hated to admit to herself that she would much rather wear her slave costume from Hannibal.
“How are we feeling, my beauties?”
“Bite me!” Christine snapped.
Vi tried to remain a little more calm. “I want my uniform back.”
Habla-le-Strut was trying to think of a snappy comeback when a great commotion arose in the hallway.
“Get out of my way!!” A furious voice roared.
“Erik?” Hope flashed across Christine’s face. “It’s him. I know it. It’s him!”
“Silent, little toad!” Habla-le-Strut hissed.
With a tremendous roar, Erik Catwalker blasted his way through the throne room door, his light saber blazing in his hands. “A toad, monsieur? I’m afraid it’s you who are the toad!!”
“Erik!” Christine cried in delight.
“Christine, are you-” Upon seeing his love’s bikini, an amused smile crossed The Phantom’s deformed lips. “What are you dressed in, Christine?”
The girl blushed, flattered. “Don’t stare. It’s rude.”
“What do you want, Catwalker?” Habla-le-Strut asked, annoyed.
“My friends.” The Phantom snarled.
And Erik sliced through the throne with his light saber.
Habla-le-Strut grabbed a light saber, thus beginning a fierce duel.
Lt. Dale and Sgt. Greaves rushed into the room.
“Where’ve you been?!” Vi asked.
“Sorry we’re late.” Greaves apologized. “Dale couldn’t find change for the parking meter.”
“We’ll have you guys out in a jiffy.” Dale said. “Just stand back and cover your ears.”
The Lt. Took out a laser gun, aimed at the chains that held his friends captive, and fired.
A panicked look crossed Mike Solo-Singer’s face. “Ahh! Someone just got shot!”
“No,” Dale corrected, “I set you, Raoul, and the girls free by shoot off your chains.”
“Who are you?”
“I’m Lt. Dale. Don’t you remember me?”
Mike felt blindly at the Lt.’s face. “Dale? Is it really you?”
“What’s wrong with Solo-Singer?” Greaves asked.
“He’s temporarily gone blind due to being frozen in carbonite. Vi explained.
Greaves took Mike’s hand. “C’mon, kid. I’ll be your eyes. Let’s get outta here.”
“Let’s go!” Dale ushered everyone towards the door.
“Wait!” Christine tried to turn back. “Erik!”
“Oh, for the love of…!” And Dale picked up The Princess, flinging her over his shoulder, and carried her out of the sand palace.
“Put me down, Dale!” Princess Daae screamed, pounding her fists on the Lt.’s back. “That’s an order!”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” And Dale dropped her on the floor of The Millennium Gondola.
“Ow! Oh, how dare you!!”
“Christine, you’re so beautiful when you’re mad.” Raoul smiled.
“Shut your face, Raoul!!!”
Vi and Greaves tried to force back giggles. Mike just sat in a chair, a sad look on his face as he wished he could see what was going on.
Christine stormed towards the door. “I’m going back for Erik!”
“Are you kidding?!” Dale cried. “Habla-le-Strut’s guards’ll kill you!”
“I’m not leaving him here!”
The heavy door of the sand palace was blown off its hinges, bringing The Rebels scrambling to the window of the Gondola.
Vi tried to see through the smoke. “What happened?!”
“Did a bomb go off?” Greaves wondered.
And that’s when they saw Habla-le-Strut flee from the castle, terror on his face, screaming like a baby with The Phantom hot on his heels, ready to take The Spaniard’s head off.
“Wow.” Dale stared. “Erik is really pissed.”
Habla-le-Strut ducked into a nearby spaceship, escaping into space.
Erik burst into The Gondola, his eyes blazing red with fury. “Follow that slime ball NOW!!!”
No-one dared disobey The Phantom’s orders.
“So this is our…second high-speed chase in what? Two episodes?” Raoul asked. “Given our recent track record, is this really such a good idea?”
Like lightning, the Punjab lasso was closed tight around The Wussie’s neck.
“Never question my actions.” Erik hissed.
Raoul nodded, his face turning red, then blue, then purple, then some strange green colour... “Ahhee…prooo…miss…”
Erik released him.
“Why’d you do that?!” Christine stared.
“Angel, I had to teach him who’s in charge.”
“No, I mean let him go!”
Mike slumped in his chair. “I wish I could’ve seen that. I bet it was hilarious.”
“Whoah!” Greaves ran to the window, pointing at Habla-le-Strut’s ship. “There he goes! There he goes!”
“I see him.” Erik pressed his lips together in calm rage as he set the laser beams on the target. “You’re not getting away this time. No-one insults me and holds my friends hostage.”
“Some friend you are.” Raoul coughed, rubbing his neck.
Christine rounded on him. “Shut up, Raoul, or I’ll Punjab you!!”
Erik fired at Habla-le-Strut, the lasers tearing The Spaniard’s ship to pieces. The evil villain started on a crash course with a smoke covered planet. He wasn’t, however, about to let The Rebels win this round.
The debris from the enemy ship slammed into The Millennium Gondola, the force of the impact knocking the occupants senseless, and The Rebel Campaigners plummeted helplessly through cyber-space.
Darth Webber sighed in annoyance. This droid will not shut up!
And it was true. O-Ben-Wanna-Be-Pee-O was beeping continuously, tossing out bad script ideas.
“I want to change the script, as well, Be-Pee-O, but please,” Darth Webber begged, rubbing his temples in an attempt to relieve his on-coming headache, “Can we just work with what we’ve got for right now?”
“What if we add a hot, steamy sex scene with Christine and The Phantom?”
“WHAT?!?!”
A captain of The Warner Empire entered the room. “Darth Webber, Sir, Habla-le-Strut’s ship was spotted entering the galaxy of Kansahr.”
“Headed for what planet?” The Lord asked.
“Nicoteenite, Sir.”
“And The Rebels?”
“No sign of them, Sir.” The captain reported. “Most likely, they gave up
chase.”
“Yeah!” Darth Webber broke into a happy dance. “Ready the ships! We’re going to Nicoteenite! Be-Pee-O?”
The android blinked in response. “Sir?”
“Finish that bloody movie script!! I expect a masterpiece waiting for me when I return with my Phantom.” And Darth Webber walked out of the room practically floating on Cloud 9.
On the other side of the universe, in the Königsberg Galaxy, a magnificent king handed a letter to his most trusted servant, Koukol.
“I don’t care what it takes.” The King said. “Make sure this letter is placed in the hands of the addressee.”
The Emperor, Darth Maulmeyer, suddenly froze. His pale face became written with dread. “(It’s all about to go horribly wrong…)”
Among the trees of a heavily forested planet sat the wreckage of The Millennium Gondola. Several pairs of glowing golden eyes watched from the forest shadows as The Rebels pushed their way out of the broken ship.
“Uggh.” Greaves pushed away a wing as she held the side of her head. “Anybody get the number of that bus?”
Erik lifted Christine from the rubble. “So much for my ship. Are you alright, Christine?”
The girl nodded as Vi and Dale helped Mike to the ground.
“Where are we?” Dale asked.
“Well, we’re not in Kansas anymore.” Christine said.
Raoul looked around. “We were in Kansas?”
Erik removed his fedora, smacked The Wussie across the back of the head, and calmly put his hat back on.
“Did we crash land on an undiscovered planet?” Vi asked.
“We’re in Oz!” Mike cried out suddenly.
Greaves turned to him, astounded. “You can see?!”
“Yes!” Mike beamed. “And I’ve never seen anything more beautiful!”
Raoul eyed him. “You know where we are?”
“Of course! This is Oz, The Land of The Roos. This is like my second home.”
There was a rustle in the bushes.
Christine glanced at Erik. “What was that?”
In a flash, The Rebels found themselves bound with rope and surrounded by angry five-foot tall kangaroos.
“Home or no home,” Raoul snapped at Mike, “The natives don’t seem too happy that you’re back!”
A gold coloured kangaroo poked at Raoul with a spear. “Hush your mouth, Mate! If there’s anything we hate more than Empire soldiers, it’s Empire soldiers flappin’ their yap!”
“We’re not Empire soldiers!” Vi protested.
“Then how come you’re dressed in army uniforms? And hers,” The kangaroo pointed at Greaves, “Belongs to The Warner Empire?”
“She defected!” Christine argued. “We’re Rebel Campaigners. We support Mike Solo-Singer!”
The kangaroo broke into bales of laughter. “Right! And I’m the queen of jolly ol’ England!”
“Oh, wait. I think they’re telling the truth, mate. Look a’ this.” A small, brown kangaroo took Erik’s half mask and put it on Mike’s face.
Whispers of astonishment swept through the native Roos. “(It’s him! It’s Mike Solo-Singer!)”
“(Well, I’ll be the son o’ a wombat.)” The golden Roo stared. “Sidney! Melbourne! Untie ‘em right now! I am so sorry, mates.”
He helped the Rebels to their feet, bowing to Mike Solo-Singer. “Didn’t recognize ya without the mask.”
Mike just stared, wondering if he was about to be pounced on. “Uh, it’s an honest mistake…I think.”
“I’m Aussie, The Chief of the Roos.” The golden Roo beamed. “The tan Roo behind you is Melbourne, our main hunter, and the little brown Roo is Sidney. She’s the best computer hacker in the galaxy. We bid you welcome to the land of Oz.”
“Some welcome.” Raoul muttered.
“Sidney, tie up that Wussie, please.”
“But I don’t work for The Empire!”
“I know. I just don’ like your attitude.”
“Why you –” And Raoul was gagged.
“Who are you all?” Aussie asked. “And what brings you to Oz?”
“Well, you already know Mike Solo-Singer.” Vi gestured to everyone, “This is The Phantom – Erik Cat walker, Princess Christine Daae, Raoul – The Wussie, Lt. Dale, I’m Sgt. Vi, and this is Sgt. Greaves – former assistant P.A. to Lord Darth Webber. As far as how we got here, a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…”
“Yuk!” Darth Webber pulled the front of his shirt collar up over his nose. “It reeks like cigarette smoke here!”
And he hadn’t even stepped out of his ship yet!
A captain stared out across Nicoteenite. “Should I break out the gas masks, Sir?”
“What are the chances we could hold our breath the entire time we’re here?”
“Not good, Sir.”
“… … … … Ok, get the masks.”
The small Empire crew started into Nicoteenite.
“Where do we start looking for Habla-le-Strut?” An officer asked Darth Webber.
A passer-by grabbed Darth Webber’s arm. “You’re here for Habla-le-Strut?!”
The evil lord nodded.
“Thank god!! Ever since he arrived here, he’s been singing Phantom of the Opera songs, and let me tell you, he’s terrible!”
“He can’t be that bad…” Darth Webber stated.
“He won’t shut up! Please,” The woman begged, “Get this foul creature off our planet!”
“Ok, ok, alright! Where is he?”
“The monastery up the hill. And you better hurry because the monks are about ready to crucify him, if ya ask me!”
As the woman ran off, Darth Webber turned to his officers. “Habla-le-Strut – terrible?!”
The officers just shrugged, not daring to agree with the woman.
Darth Webber sighed. “Alright, let’s go get him.”
The scene inside the monastery was anything but peaceful. As Habla-le-Strut’s voice echoed off the stone walls, the monks were in a state of shock and desperateness. Some were going insane and began to beat their foreheads with 2x4s, some monks even had even armed themselves with devices of torture and were headed for Habla-le-Strut’s room!
Darth Webber followed the flock of angry monks, cutting them off at The Spaniard’s door.
“May I?” He asked.
A monk nodded and handed Darth Webber a 2x4.
“Thank you.” The evil lord Darth Weber entered the room and, with careful aim, whacked Habla-le-Strut across the back of the head with the plank of wood.
“Oww! What you do that for?!” The Spaniard cried.
“Get your rear in gear. Be-Pee-O is finishing up the new Phantom script, so we’re ready to start filming.”
“You guys are welcome to stay here as long as you’d like.” Aussie told The Rebels. “It sounds like after all you’ve been through, you’re in need o’ a rest.”
“You’re too kind.” Christine smiled.
“Hey, what’s that?” Mike asked Sidney.
“Wha? This?” The Roo handed him her CD. “This is your new album, Luv. You di’n’ know it was out ‘lready?”
“The Disney Album. No, I had no idea. I was recording this right before I was captured by The Warner Empire. When was this released?”
“Somewhere between Phantom Wars: Episode XI and now.” Erik shrugged.
Confusion crossed Mike’s face. “Wha?”
“Your CD is a huge success ‘ere.” Sidney’s giant blue eyes danced with excitement. “Been at the top o’ the charts since it’s release, and it’s just gone platinum!”
Just then Melbourne hopped into the campsite. “Hate to spoil the party, mates, but we’ve got some unexpected visitors landing just north o’ here.”
“(What’s going on?)” Christine whispered. “(Vi, get out of the way. I can’t see!)”
Vi and Greaves watched as several uniformed men marched off the giant spaceship.
“(They’re Empire soldiers!)” Vi gasped.
Erik pushed some leaves aside to get a better look. “(What are they doing in Oz?)”
Greaves watched as several soldiers began to unload movie cameras and sets. “(They’re starting filming on the Phantom movie!)”
Dale grabbed a pair of binoculars that hung from Raoul’s neck, peering through them as he unknowingly strangled The Wussie. “(Filming?! With what cast? With what script?!)”
Habla-le-Strut and O-Ben-Wanna-Be-Pee-O strolled merrily off the ship.
“(There’s your cast.)” Mike sighed in defeat.
“(And there’s your script.)” Raoul snatched his binoculars back from Dale, taking in deep breaths of fresh air.
Aussie bounced around. “(They can’t film here! I forbid it!)”
“Why are you jumping up and down?” Raoul asked.
“Because he’s hopping mad.” Everyone replied, not in the mood for bad puns.
“We’ve got to find a way to stop Darth Webber.” Greaves watched as the Empire soldiers prepared for the film shoot. “If only we could capture this base somehow…”
Raoul rubbed his aching neck. “Why don’t we just storm in with our flag?”
Everyone just stared at The Wussie.
“What?!” Mike finally cried.
“Think about it: how do you think England, France, and Spain expanded their empires during the age of exploration?” Raoul asked. “They stole countries with the cunning use of flags. They sailed around the world ‘til they came to a continent, and they stuck a flag in it.”
“That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” Vi exploded.
Christine picked up a big stick, advancing on The Wussie. “I’m gonna kill him.”
“Wait!” Greaves held The Princess back. “Raoul has a point…”
Koukol wandered aimlessly around space in his bat-shaped spaceship.
The King called on his video phone. “Any luck?”
“I can’t find him, Sir.” Koukol frowned. “Everyone I’ve asked hasn’t seen him.”
“Keep looking. We must find him!”
“What a glorious day for The Empire!” Darth Webber grinned. He raised a glass of tea, toasting The Emperor. “There’s no sign of The Rebels or Mike Solo-Singer since the last episode, so in all likely-hood, they’ve been killed.”
“Don’t be so sure.” The Emperor, Darth Maulmeyer, warned. “They have Greaves to guide them here.”
“Nonsense! Filming is about to begin on the Phantom movie and there’s nobody who can stop us!” The evil lord burst into mad-with-power laugh.
“Sir, I- …oh, um…” The captain stopped short in the doorway upon seeing The Emperor. “Oh.”
“What is it, Captain?” Darth Webber asked, regaining his composure.
“Nothing. It’s just The Rebels, Sir. … …They’re here.”
“My god, man! … …Do you think they want tea?”
“No, I’m afraid they’re after much more, Sir.” The captain replied. “I don’t know what exactly, but they’ve brought a flag.”
“Dang, that’s dash cunning of them!”
Erik proudly planted The Rebel flag outside the Empire base as the Roos rounded up the enemy soldiers.
“That wasn’t so bad.” Dale smiled. “Who knew that, for once, Raoul would have a good idea?”
“We haven’t won yet.” Greaves loaded a laser pistol.
Mike and Vi gulped. “Guns?”
“We have to take out Darth Webber and Emperor Maulmeyer.”
“I knew this had been too easy!” Mike whimpered.
Greaves tossed everyone a laser gun. “They’re set on stun, so it’s safe to shoot at anything that moves.”
“I’d rather keep my Punjab lasso, thank you.” Erik politely refused.
Raoul eyed Greaves suspiciously. “Are you sure we can tru-”
With a “bwow!,” The Wussie was frozen in mid-sentence.
Everyone turned towards Melbourne.
The Roo grinned a wicked grin, smoke trickling from the barrel of his laser gun. “Sweet.”
“I’ll take one of those cannons.” The Phantom requested.
Vi sighed. “Well, we better stash Raoul somewhere where he won’t get hurt.”
“Why?” Erik asked.
“Alright,” Greaves jumped onto a tree stump, barking out the battle plan, “Roos, you guard the perimeter. If you see anything approaching base, report to Aussie. Melbourne, you’re on sniper duty in the lookout tower. Shoot first, ask questions later, but don’t shoot anymore of our guys! Dale, you keep an eye on the prisoners. If they try something, don’t be afraid to shoot.”
“Got it.” Dale saluted.
“Erik, Christine, you two guard the main door. Stop anyone who tries to get in or out of this base.”
“What about us?” Vi asked.
“Vi, Mike, Sidney, you guys are coming with me.” Greaves raised her laser gun, “We’re gonna stop the filming of the Phantom movie!”
Darth Maulmeyer handed Darth Webber a light saber.
“What’s this for?”
“The Rebels are on their way here.” Maulmeyer replied. “We will not be caught of guard.”
Darth Webber laughed. “They’re no threat to us. They won’t be able to find their way around the base, anyway.”
Greaves entered a five digit number on a key pad and the main door slid open.
“Wow.” The Sgt. stared. “Darth Webber never erased my access code? How stupid can he be?”
“Do you really want me to answer that?” Vi grinned.
Mike tried to force back laughter. “So, where do we go from here?”
Greaves looked both ways down the corridor, then motioned for everyone to follow her down to the right. Pressing her palm against a small scanner, she unlocked the door to the computer room.
Vi started to drool. “A super computer!”
“This base,” Greaves explained, “Is just like all the others that The Empire has. The floor layout is exactly the same and the building is loaded with booby traps that will set off a silent alarm when triggered.”
“So all we have to do is deactivate the traps and alarm system, right?” Mike asked.
Greaves nodded as she typed her access code into the computer. “This place is wired with everything: invisible laser beam triggers crisscrossing in the corridors [all except the main one], motion detectors, triggers built into floor tiles that set off the alarm when you step on them…everything. Ut-oh.”
“What’s wrong?”
“I can’t log in to the network. There’s no way for me to shut off the
alarm system!”
“Oh, do let me try, Luv!” Sidney begged. “I can hack into anything with a microchip. I can override the alarm system, I can!”
Greaves looked at Mike.
“Why not? Aussie did say she’s the best hacker in Oz.” Mike smiled.
The Sgt. nodded. “Alright, girl, do your thing. Vi, let Sidney at the keyboard.”
Vi was excited as a kid at Christmas. “CD, DVD, 1 mil. GB of memory and ram, Intel 500 processor, DSL modem for instant, super-fast internet access…”
“Vi, move it.”
“Stereo surround sound speakers with subwoofer!”
“Outta the way, mate!” Sidney bumped Vi aside and into the arms of Mike.
“Have a nice trip?” Mike asked, flashing his famous, gorgeous smile.
Burning red with embarrassment, The Rebel leader shied away, trying not to giggle and smile. She was very unsuccessful. J
“Erik! Christine!” Aussie’s voice was filled with panic.
Christine looked around. “I hear him, but I don’t see him.”
Erik removed a walkie talkie from his belt clip.
“When did Greaves give us those?” The Princess asked.
“Darling, never question a plot convenience that’s thrown in for the sole purpose of advancing the story.”
Total confusion crossed the girl’s face.
“We hear you, Aussie. What’s going on?”
“Habla-le-Strut is invading the base with an army of cartoon troopers!”
And that’s when someone open fired on Christine and Erik.
“Override successful” flashed across the computer screen and Sidney grinned. “There, that di’n’ take long at all.”
“Good job, girl.” Vi patted her on the back.
Greaves’s walkie talkie crackled with static.
“We’re getting killed out here!” Erik screamed.
“Hey,” Mike pointed, “When did we get –”
“Don’t think about it.” Greaves replied.
Sidney picked up her laser gun. “I’ll go, Luv. The alarms ‘ave been deactivated and the computer system is under your control now, so you ‘ave no need for me in ‘ere.”
The Rebels nodded.
“But you be careful out there.” Vi ordered.
With a grin, Sidney bounced down the corridor.
“Sidney’s on her way, Erik.” Greaves reported. “You and Christine worry about the troopers. Vi, Mike, and I are going after Darth Webber.”
“This is not good! This is not good!” Be-Pee-O ran down the hall as fast as his droid legs could carry him. “The Rebels have taken over the base!!”
And he charged through the main door…right into a blast from a cartoon trooper’s laser.
The android was blown to smithereens as the pages of his terrible script got caught in the laser crossfire, being burnt to ashes.
Princess Daae got caught in the explosion and was thrown against the wall, striking her head.
“Christine!” The Phantom was immediately by her side. “Angel!”
The girl opened her eyes to find herself in Erik’s arms.
“Are you alright?!”
Taking in a shaky breath, she replied, “Oww…”
A dark shadow fell over the two rebels. Erik turned to find they were cornered by Habla-le-Strut.
“Bonjour, monsieur.” The evil villain grinned.
The Phantom moved to grab the Punjab lasso from his cloak, but found himself staring at a laser gun aimed right at Christine’s face.
“That’s right.” Habla-le-Strut chuckled. “One move and your lovely Angel of Music will be singing in the next life.”
Erik’s eyes filled with sadness. “Christine, I tried.”
“I’m not afraid.”
Christine smiled, tenderly placing her hand on his cheek. “You’re here with
me. I love you, Erik.”
A trembly smile crossed his deformed lips. “I love you, too, Christine.”
And with lightning reflexes, Christine kicked Habla-le-Strut in the stomach as Erik punched him in the face. The Spaniard went flailing backwards, falling to the ground.
“You’re gonna pay for that, rebel scum!” He screeched, reaching for his laser gun.
Erik threw himself over Christine to protect her from harm. He flinched at the sound of the gun being fired.
“Are you two alright?” Sidney asked, hopping over.
“What?” Erik and Christine looked up to find Habla-le-Strut frozen in place.
Sidney shrugged. “He’s overrated anyway.”
The two rebels couldn’t help but laugh with joy.
Vi took in a deep breath. “Well, this is it. This is where the fate of The Phantom of the Opera is decided.”
Vi, Greaves, and Mike stared at the door that separated them from Lord Darth Webber. There was a long, nervous-filled silence.
“I think I’m gonna throw up.” Mike finally said.
“I could start rattling off inspirational song quotes,” Greaves offered, “But I don’t want to bore anybody.”
“I’ll settle for one really good one.”
“‘If you win or you lose, it’s a question of honour.’”
Vi cocked her laser gun. “Let’s end this.”
“On the count of three, we break down the door, ok?”
Mike and Vi nodded.
“One…two…three go!”
With a furious battle cry, The Rebels threw themselves, shoulders first, into the door, barging in on Darth Webber and Emperor Maulmeyer’s tea party.
Darth Webber reached for his light saber. “Holy crap! The Rebels really are here!”
Vi and Mike began an open fire on the enemies as Greaves rushed The Emperor.
Maulmeyer grabbed the metal tea tray from the table and struck Greaves across the chin. “You stupid girl!”
He struck her again, sending the Sgt. sprawling across the floor.
“A glorious life you’ve chosen, Sgt.” The Emperor laughed. “Tell me: how does it feel to be part of the loosing side?”
Greaves let out a cough as blood trickled from her mouth. “You knocked out one of my teeth…”
Maulmeyer extended his hand. “I can give you power, my dear. I can give you anything you desire. Come back to The Empire. Help us defeat The Rebel Campaigners and the entertainment universe will be yours.”
“I’d rather die.”
“So be it.” And The Emperor moved to bring the sheet of metal down on the helpless Greaves's head.
Mike let out a cry as he tackled Maulmeyer from behind. The two wrestled on the floor.
Graceful as a cat, Vi dodged every attack from Darth Webber as she tried to come to her friend’s aid.
“No, you don’t!” Darth Webber screeched. “Solo-Singer is mine!”
Vi saw something flash out of the corner of her eyes and she turned, throwing her arm up in self defense. As Darth Webber’s Punjab lasso closed around her neck, Vi let out a choked scream, her fingers pressed against her neck the only thing to keep the rope from completely strangling her.
Darth Webber gave a swift kick to the inside of Vi’s knee and the girl came crashing to the ground. The Sgt. heard the shoulder of her free arm make a sickening crack as she landed on it.
Greaves pushed herself to her feet, wiping the blood from her mouth as she staggered towards Vi. Just as she reached out to free the rebel from the Punjab lasso, Darth Webber knocked her against the wall. Greaves struck her head on the stone and collapsed, unconscious.
Darth Webber then advanced on Mike. “Come on, Solo-Singer! I’m the one you want to fight, not Maulmeyer!”
Screaming with rage, Mike rushed at Darth Webber, forgetting about The Emperor.
“This is our final battle, Solo-Singer!” The villain’s light saber crashed with Mike’s. “I’m finishing you off, right here, right now!”
The Rebel fought with a talent and passion that he never knew he had inside.
Greaves’s words echoed in Mike’s mind. If you win or you lose, it’s a question of honour.
“You’re so stupid, Solo-Singer!” Darth Webber attacked furiously with his light saber. “Both you and your rebel friends! You don’t have what it takes to be The Phantom. You’re a has-been!”
Mike blocked a potentially lethal blow, freezing his adversary in his tracks. With fury blazing in his eyes, Mike straightened himself beyond his full height.
“You have no honour.” The Rebel snarled.
The light sabers crashed against each other again and again, this time at a deadly, lightning-fast pace.
Vi tried to push herself to her feet as pain shot from her broken shoulder. She looked at Emperor Maulmeyer for help. “You have to stop them.”
The Emperor just laughed.
Darth Webber drove Mike into a corner. Trying to battle his way back, Mike tripped over the leg of a chair and fell to the ground.
Vi tried to pull the noose from her neck, but found she couldn’t move her free arm; the pain was unbearable. There was nothing she could do to save Mike or herself.
Mike reached for his light saber, but Darth Webber kicked it away. “It’s the end of the line, Solo-Singer.”
“Maulmeyer, you’ve got to listen to me!” Vi choked. “We’re not against The Empire. We want to help you!”
Maulmeyer turned and stared at her.
“The Rebels want the same thing that you do: a successful Phantom movie. We’re not trying to destroy you, Darth Webber is! He’s the one who wants to change the story. He’s the one who wants to cast a box-office star who can’t sing.” Vi drew in a shallow breath. “The Rebels, the phans, want to see the original story, the original Phantom. If you listen to us and keep Phantom how it was, if you cast Mike, we’ll flock to the theatres again and again. If The Empire works with the phans, you’ll have the most successful movie ever. Please! Help us!”
Darth Webber pressed the edge of his light saber against Mike’s throat. “It’s over now, the music of The Knight.”
He moved to slit The Rebel’s throat.
Suddenly, Emperor Maulmeyer grabbed Darth Webber and threw him across the room. “Get out of this base!”
“You’re siding with them now?!” Darth Webber picked himself up.
“I will not allow this version of Phantom to be filmed. You’ll find another scrip, another actor, and I don’t want to see you in The Empire until that time.”
“This is not over.” And Darth Webber stormed out of the base to return to his home on the planet Airogense.
Emperor Maulmeyer turned to Mike, who was lying against the wall, his hand pressed to his neck in shock.
“You won this battle, but don’t think you’ve won this war.” The Emperor then turned and left.
Mike just sat on the floor for a moment, breathing heavily. He couldn’t believe it: The Emperor had sided with The Rebels! He had saved Greaves, Mike, and…
“(Vi!)” Mike scrambled towards his friend. “Vi, are you ok?!”
He removed the noose from the Sgt.’s neck.
Vi took in a deep breath of fresh air. “Thank you.”
“Are you hurt?” Mike helped her to her feet.
“I broke my left shoulder.”
“We’ll have Erik wrap it up, and we’ll get you to a doctor as soon as we get back to the Web Base.”
Vi staggered over to the unconscious Greaves. “Is she alright?”
“I think so.” Mike picked her up.
Greaves slowly opened her eyes. “Oww…my head…”
Mike smiled. “Let’s go home.”
The Healing Roos of Oz were tending to the wounded as Mike, Vi, and Greaves emerged from the base.
“What happened?!” Dale cried upon seeing Vi holding her shoulder.
“She broke her shoulder, but she’ll be ok.” Mike said. “And Greaves hit her head. A doctor should check to make sure she doesn’t have a concussion.”
“You missed it. It was incredible!” Sidney cried. “Emperor Maulmeyer walked out of the base and ordered all of the troopers to cease fire. He said, ‘It’s over…for now.’ And they all left!”
“Does that mean that we’ve won?” Christine stared hopefully at Mike.
Mike Solo-Singer couldn’t hold back a grin.
The whole camp went up with a joyous roar. “We won!!”
Raoul recovered from being stunned by Melbourne’s laser blast. “We won? But we haven’t even started the fight yet!”
Erik and Christine were in too good a mood to insult The Wussie.
“This is wonderful!” Dale beamed at Mike. “Now all we have to do is find a way to get you back into the public eye, acting wise, so The Empire will recognize your talent.”
A figure staggered into the camp, worn out from a universe-wide journey.
“Please,” He begged, “You must help me! I need to find Mike Solo-Singer!”
“Who are you?” Vi asked, cautious.
“My name is Koukol. I have an important message for Mike Solo-Singer from my king.”
“I’m Mike Solo-Singer.” Mike stepped forward.
“I’ve found you at last!” Koukol cried. “I’ve searched the universe for you! This message is for you.”
He handed Mike a letter that was trimmed in red.
“What’s it say?” Christine asked.
Mike’s eyes went wide. “(Oh, my gosh…)”
Greaves tried to read over his shoulder. “What?! What’s it say?!”
“Dear Mike Solo-Singer,” Mike read, “I humbly ask your presence at my castle on Königsberg to grace me with a private audition for the lead in my new musical, Dance of the Vampires, due to open on The Great White Way next year. Ever your phan, The King of Excess.”
“A new musical?” Vi stared.
Dale was stunned. “The lead?”
“Back in The Great White Way?” Christine could hardly form any words.
Greaves looked at Mike. “What are you going to do?”
Mike was speechless. “I…I…I’m going. I’m going. I’m going back to The Great White Way!”
Everyone burst into tears of joy. “We’re going to see Mike Solo-Singer back on the stage again!”
“This will definitely get The Warner Empire’s attention!” Erik beamed.
“Come.” Koukol motioned towards his spaceship. “We must leave for Königsberg at once.”
As Mike Solo-Singer and The Rebel Campaigners said goodbye to their new friends of Oz and started towards Königsberg, they knew that a new, brighter chapter was beginning in The Phantom Wars.
Finis.
(End…unless Di and Paula decide to write another spoiler. ^_^)
This story is a work of fiction. Nothing contained in the above story was intended to be mean, spiteful, or hateful; just artistic.
The Phantom of the Opera and any (accurate and true) lyrics used in the above story are copyrighted and owned by Really Useful Group, LTD, and were not used with permission (I’m a thief, I know.).
Star Wars is copyrighted and owned by George Lucas (I think), and as with everything else, was not used with permission.
The Mask of Zorro is copyrighted and owned by someone and was not used with permission, blah, blah, blah…
The Wizard of Oz and any stolen lines I used are copyrighted and owned by MGM Grand Studios.
And I accidentally left out a credit in the last episode:
EFX is copyrighted and owned by way too many people, so I’m just gonna give the credit to Michael Crawford for this one.
The whole “Cunning Use of Flags” bit was taken from the HBO special Eddie Izzard: Dressed to Kill and is way more funny when you hear him do it. BTW, I stole this material, too.
Königsberg, Koukol, and Dance of the Vampires is owned and copyrighted by Jim Steinman.
and
The song that Greaves quoted was "A Question of Honour" by the ever wonderful Sarah Brightman (GOD I love that song! J)
The opening spoiler is owned by The Michael Crawford Phantom Movie Campaign and was (!) used with permission (Thanx a bunch, Di. You’re a sweetie! >^_^< ).
Whew! Wow, this was a tough one! I admit that I had no idea how to end this trilogy for the simple fact that nothing was changing with the status of the Phantom movie in real life. And then WB trashed Ben Elton’s script. That took care of the script plot, but should I make up an ending in our favour? Should I have The Empire win? And that’s when WB made the stunning announcement that Antonio Banderas was officially dropped from the project. It must have been “The Scream Heard ‘Round the World” on the day that the phans read that post. J I thought, What a wonderful ending! The Empire siding with The Rebels! So here is the end result. I hope everyone liked The Phantom Wars Trilogy, and I apologize for chapter three taking so long!
The above work was intended for non-profit entertainment for The Michael Crawford Phantom Movie Campaign and was brought to you by the twisted, warped mind of “Mishi, The EFX Mistress.”
Questions, comments, flames? Send them to Mishi, The EFX Mistress: CrStickel@aol.com