Every Phan
Down in Phan-ville
Wanted Erik’s Phantom filmed a lot...

But the Lord Phandon,
Who lived just North of Phan-ville,
Did NOT!

He now wanted Box Office! Box Office Treason!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.    

It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.                 
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But Phans think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

But,
Whatever the reason,
His heart or his shoes,
He stood firm on his plans, despising Phans too.

Staring down from his castle with a sour, lordly frown,
At the warm hearted Phans protesting from town.
For he knew every Phan was unhappy with him,
But to his mind the arguments were all wearing thin.

"And they're taking out ads!" he snarled with a sneer.
"They've started a site, made their wishes quite clear!"
Then he growled, with his peer fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep the Phans from still coming"
For, tomorrow, he knew...

...All the Phan girls and boys
Would wake up bright and early. They'd continue their ploys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the Phans, young and old, would sit down to write.
And they'd write! And they'd write!
And they'd WRITE WRITE WRITE WRITE!
They would start on Le Strut, the rare Latin-beast
Which was something Lord Phandon couldn't stand in the least!

And THEN
They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Phan down in Phan-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand firm together, with loud protests ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And demand that Erik do the singing!

They'd protest! And protest!
AND Protest some more!
And the more that he thought of what the Phans might bring,
The more the lord thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
Why for over three years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop the Phans from campaigning!
..But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
Lord Phandon
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The lord laughed, and grinning some more,
He wrote a quick script and a much altered score.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Phantom trick!
With this script and this score, I'll fix those Phans quick!"

"All I need's a big actor..."
Lord Phandon looked around.
But big actors who sing are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop His Lordship...?   

"No!" Lord Phandon simply said,
"If I can't find a big singing star, I'll make one instead!"
So he called up Le Strut. Then he took some black thread
And he tied the Phantom's mask to the side of his head.

THEN
He loaded some bags
And some old empty sacks
In the trunk of his Rolls
And to town he made tracks.

Then His Lordship said, "Giddyup!"
And the Rolls started down
Toward the homes where the Phans
Lay a-snooze in their town.

All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Phans were all dreaming sweet dreams without care
When he came to the first house in the square.
"This is stop number one," The old aristocrat hissed
As he climbed from his car, empty bags in his fist.

Then he picked at the lock and it opened at last.
He tiptoed right in and planned to work fast.
But first he stood still, for a moment or two.
While he looked around for things that he knew
Were the tools the Phans used to fill him with woe.
"The computers," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he silently crept, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room and took each campaign tool present!
T-shirts! And buttons! Tote bags! And ads!
Address Books! The lists of press contacts Phans had!
He stuffed them in bags. To his Rolls the lord slunk,
Then flung all the bags, one by one, in the trunk!

Then back for their videos. The Phans' tapes he took.
Their recordings of Erik! He left none in any nook!
He cleaned out their Phantom music as quick as a flash.
Why, Lord Phandon found all their memorabilia to snatch!

Then he crammed their belongings in the Rolls trunk with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned the old peer, "Here go all the PC's!"

Lord Phandon grabbed the computers, and he started to shove
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Phan!
Little Cindy-Ann Phan, who was not yet quite ten.

Lord Phandon had been caught by this little Phan daughter
Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at the scene and said, "Lord Phandon, why?
Why are you taking our Phantom things? WHY?"

But, you know, that old lord was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the aristocrat lied,
"There is a floppy disc that won't flop on one side.
So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear.
I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."

And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head
And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.
And when Cindy-Ann Phan went to bed with her cup,
He went back to his work and kept snatching things up.     

Then the last thing he took,
From that humble abode,
Was the Phantom picture they loved, the old toad.
He took every last treasure they owned in his load.

Not one Phantom memory
Did he leave in the house
Not even a magnet small enough for a mouse.

Then
He did the same thing
To the other Phans' houses

Leaving no magnets
Small enough
For the other Phan mouses!

It was quarter past dawn...
The town clock tower tolled
Past the Phans, still a-snooze
As he packed up the Rolls,
He stuffed in the campaign tools! The T-shirts! The ads!
The tote bags! Address books! All that they had!

Three thousand feet up! Back to Phandonwood Hall,
He drove to the tiptop right up the wall!
"Pooh-pooh to the Phans!" he was evilly humming.
"They're finding out now, no movie with Erik is coming!
They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
Then all the Phans down in Phan-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," grinned the lord,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And Lord Phandon put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared down at Phan-ville!
The sight popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Phan down in Phan-ville, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any campaign tools at all!
He HADN'T stopped them from coming!
They CAME!
Somehow or other, they campaigned just the same!

And Lord Phandon, with his blue blood ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without contacts! It came without ads!
It came without PC's or campaign tools they had!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then the lord thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Box Office is not what this film has in store.
Maybe this Phantom movie...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

And what happened then...?
Well...in Phan-ville they say
That Lord Phandon's small heart
Grew three sizes that day!

And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He decided to cast Erik to sing the music of the night!!
And he brought back their Phantom things! And all the PC's!
And he...

...HE HIMSELF...!
His Lordship fired the rare Latin-beast!