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To Mr. and Mrs.
Lloyd-Webber. No fancy titles here, they don't deserve the honours that
Her Majesty bestowed upon them.
Right now, the world is considering crimes against Humanity for the
likes of the Taliban, leaders in the Balkans and so on. Compared to
Humanity, our cause isn't in the same league, BUT...there was a time
when a man's word was his bond. There was a time when promises unkept by
a company or an individual would be considered not only ungentlemanly,
but scandalous. The ungainly conduct would cause society-at-large to
shun the offenders, so now it's time for the offended (us, the fans of
not only Michael Crawford, but the stage production of Phantom) to
consider the charges against one couple, and one couple alone, who
brought the film production of POTO to a grinding halt, and have kept it
in limbo ever since. (After finally seeing Harry Potter, I don't think
that WB is so very much to blame...when pressured by the right source,
they have proven themselves capable of delivering a FAITHFUL
adaptation...the right source? The work's author...hmmmmmmm...what does
that mean here?).
Firstly, the pre-production work was nearly done and, as everyone has
seen, the script was written, the cast was set and filming was about to
start. Millions around the world were rejoicing at the thought that the
musical they loved would be coming to the big screen, complete with the
original cast that created the magic on the stage. However, the show's
history presented a foreshadowing of what was to come. Although no one
has proven capable of filling Michael Crawford's elegant shoes, the
treatment of Steve Harley, who starred in the pre-show promotional video
of the title song, should have been a warning. Years later Andrew Lloyd
Webber decides he wants a wife who cooks and stays home, so he dumps
Sarah Brightman. It's a sad thing that happens every day to women all
around the world, but women all around the world don't have to read
about their husband's filing for divorce in the newspaper with no
previous knowledge of the forthcoming legal action. Andrew, being the
unprincipled creep that he has come to be known, doesn't have the
COJONES to tell Sarah Brightman in person that he wants out. But he
throws a bone to her and tells the reporter that her talents will always
have a place in his stage productions. As "proof," soon Sarah is working
in a touring company of "Aspects of Love" and another tour of the Music
of ALW...not exactly peanuts, but not grand West End productions.
Next, HERE'S the first rub. The new Mrs. Lloyd Webber, Madeline, who's
expertise lies in catering and eventing (with horses) exerts her new
found wifely power. "ooooh darling, I would be ever so offended if you
used your ex-wife in the soon to be biggest movie of all time."
Andrew caves to the thrill of the honeymoon and asks WB to "temporarily"
stop production due to his divorce, ticklish business that, you know.
WB, wanting to keep their hot composer happy agree believing that this
will be cleared up soon...little do they (or we) know what the future
will hold.
Years pass. Michael Crawford keeps his fans happy and keeps busy by
first touring with tMoALW, and then goes to Las Vegas. However, fans
world wide are still clamoring for a Phantom film. Excuse after excuse
comes from Hollywood due via Sydmonton. ALW dumps Broadway Goddess Patti
LuPone then Faye Dunaway from crucial productions of Sunset Blvd. Uh
oh...a pattern seems to be emerging with ALW as Master Dumper of the
Universe.
More years go by...RUG's contract for Phantom with WB is renegotiated,
this time without SPECIFYING the main stars of the 3 major productions
will reprise their roles on the screen. Without the rest of the world
knowing, ALW has sneakily made his latest dump.
1997...rumours start to fly that the POTO film will be made, but with
VINNIE BARBARINO...John Travolta himself, playing the title role of the
Phantom. HUH? Where in the heck did that come from? Movements are
launched...No Travolta; Save Phantom from Hollywood and MOST FAMOUSLY...ta
da...the Michael Crawford Phantom Film Campaign starts as one page on
the internet by one woman who is determined that fans around the world
witness the same performance that she and thousands others witnessed on
stages in Los Angeles, New York and London. The ONLY Phantom worth
paying top ticket prices of tens of thousands of dollars for, the one
and only Michael Crawford. Word of mouth spreads (word of net???). Fans
around the world log on and get involved.
Travolta removes himself from the running, but wait...another man in
black throws his (matador) hat into the ring. He-who-shall-not-be named
(because "he" loves the publicity too much), heavy smoker of the
indistinguishable accent announces he's dying to play the roll (keep up
all that smoking, and let nature take it's course...please!!!---ooops...did
I type that?). Fans are astounded. "He" is cast in "Evita," another 20
year ALW stage to screen nightmare come true (please, lord, don't let
this movie be another example of the foreshadowing that we've already
seen). "He" sings..."he" dances with Madonna. And Madeline Lloyd-Webber
thinks "he's" the sexiest thing since sliced bread. Hey, didn't POTO
have a lot of sex appeal??? "ooooooohhh, darling, couldn't you please
make "he- who-shall-not-be-named" the Phantom in your film? He looked so
good in black in "that-movie-that-shall-not-be-named." And he sang so
well in "Evita." Obviously Madeline's spent too much time in the paddock
and the catering kitchen...those loud noises must have given her a tin
ear. Andrew, still being under the spell of a wife who wears Playboy
Bunny outfits to Elton John's parties hesitates. Madeline thinks hard.
Hmmmmmmmm...what can she do to arrange things for her dream croaker...uhhhh...idol.
Brilliant inspiration! Her darling hubby is about to turn 50...what
better way to throw a party for him than to throw a shindig at Royal
Albert Hall, with not only his family and friends, but with performances
from all his shows. And...teehee...surprise, surprise...let Madeline
arrange all the entertainment herself ("I've got a bad feeling about
this..."). "He-who-shall-not-be named" is thrilled...at last a chance to
prove that he's more than a pretty face, a thick accent and a hard
body..." He buys a case of WD-40 to groom his hair and puts on the good
old lounge lizard tuxedo. Ears are about to shatter...
It's the big 5-0h for ALW. The audience is seated, the party begins.
Donny Osmond, Elaine Page, Michael Ball, Glenn Close...what a line-up.
"The Phantom" himself plays the enormous organ of the hall in an
unforgettable visual rendition of the overture...anticipation rises and
Sarah graciously sings "Think of Me." After all, Andrew wrote the show
for her...it's her RIGHT to be up on that stage. Her voice is richer and
fuller than it was in her Phantom years. Everyone knows that success is
the best revenge and Sarah is selling millions of CD's and concert
tickets while ALW's latest efforts are closing. As the bass tones lead
into that familiar sound, Sarah pauses and turns back into young
Christine Daae, her face mesmerized and "he" stalks out from the back
center, but it's not the "him" who we expected. What is that greaseball
doing on the stage and why does "he" look so mad (is "he" having
nicotine fit?). Hmmmmm...I've heard better at Karaoke night at
Acapulco's. "Thing onthssss akkkkeeeennnn wifff meeeeee..." As Ricky
Ricardo would say "aiy, yai yai..." OK, unlike ALW, this guy does have
cojones, if only for the fact that it takes nerve to stand up and sing
something that you are completely untrained, unfit and unqualified for
in front of thousands of people. It takes even more cojones to have the
gall to demand applause and bow after such a low in performance art. But
the deed is done and now on videotape for posterity. Within days word
spreads of the horror of the song and web sites lampoon the awfulness of
it all (how could anyone forget "angel of music, cease this
torment..."). In our neck of the woods, the video is released just in
time for Christmas. As I'm putting the finishing touches on our holiday
dinner, Mom comes over and we watch (well, she watches, I listen) the
video together. I know it's sometimes nerve-wracking to get up in front
of all those folks and do your best when butterflies are doing the Time
Warp in your tummy. However, Mom has this look of disdain on her
face...I turn the water off after rinsing my baking pan and hear "it," I
mean "him." Oh, it's bad alright, as a matter of fact, it's a real
howler (just where are J.K. Rowling's fabled letters when you really
NEED them?). To be charitable in this case would be to say that the
tailor used a very nice grade of velvet in "his" tuxedo jacket. It's
unbelievably BAD. After dinner, the grapevine fires up again. Even my
husband, who is NO Crawford fan, pronounces "his" performance as the
worst ever possible.
Soon, word hits major cities around the world that ALW's birthday gala
was "he-who-should-not-be-named's" audition for-gasp-the role of the
Phantom!!! Phans around the world now feel that ALW should stand for
Absolute Lying Wanker (sorry...). The protest grows louder. After
writing to RUG and the studio and even picketing the studio, the protest
grows greater. More letters, more newspaper stories...television and
radio interviews...Campaigners are EVERYWHERE demanding that the powers
that be not tamper with success, and keep Michael Crawford as the
Phantom. ALW declares the campaign "much ado about nothing" (we'll see
about that, ALW).
Another monkey wrench. The original screenplay is jettisoned for reasons
unknown, and Ben Elton (he of the worse potty-mouth than Bethie, and
punk plays)is to rewrite the screenplay. Fast forward...a table reading
for WB with new songs and the new screenplay BOMBs big time for the
suits (thank goodness SOMEONE involved in this mess has some common
sense). The project is temporarily shelved and we are in limbo again.
Soooooo...what have we learned (aside from the fact that ALW can't be
trusted...old news). 1) Presented with the right evidence and people to
persuade them, WB can be dealt with in a positive manner. 2) ALW is
whipped by Madeline. Therefore, bombard MADELINE LLOYD-WEBBER with mail
at her catalogue company in England, "THE DONE THING" to persuade her
that "he-who-should-not-be-named" will not only come off looking like a
croaking fool, but lose money for her husband's company if he is cast.
3) ALW refuses to share credit with anyone else for any of the successes
he's enjoyed, hence, the endless revivals of Jeeve's. Let's see...his
greatest screw up was with Alan Ackbourne...maybe the distinguished
playwright could persuade ALW to crank the movie up with Michael.
It has been 10 years since the filming was halted. We have waited long
enough. Thanks to circumstances beyond his control that broke his heart,
Steve Barton is dead. His beautiful voice and talent (not to mention his
gorgeous looks) will not grace the Phantom movie. Sarah Brightman has
moved on to bigger and better pastures (you GO, girl!!!). If her record
sales keep going the way they are internationally, she could finance the
Phantom movie on her own. As for Michael Crawford, what the hell are you
waiting for ALW? What is the matter with you...oh...forgot, you're
whipped...Madeline is the power behind the throne. Andrew, be a man!!!
Michael Crawford was your choice when you heard him sing. Be a
gentleman...keep your word, that Michael is the first choice for the
movie. "He-who-should-not-be-named" has NO track record in the music
world. Michael Crawford has been a best seller on international charts,
has platinum and gold albums (without you...neener neener neener), has
performed sold out concerts for 10 years now and has a following of
millions the world over. Are you nuts ALW? Oh I forgot, you're just
whipped. A guaranteed box office of millions waiting and waiting for 10
long years to go to the movies over and over again to see Michael
Crawford play the Phantom of the Opera. Millions. How many records has
"he-who-should-not-be-named" sold? Hmmmmmmmmmm...if you don't count
soundtracks...(of which "he" was a very small part) ZERO, ZIP, NADA,
NOTHING, GOOSE EGGS, EMPTY SET. Need I say more??? It is an undisputable
fact of the universe that Sarah is more popular and sounding better than
ever. It is an undisputable fact that Michael Crawford is every bit as
popular as ever...witness the buzz for his next Broadway show, Dance of
the Vampires. Can you add one plus one? You lost your chance with Steve.
Don't blow it again. Don't worsen your karma any more than you've
already blackened it. And Madeline, BUTT OUT...stick to the stuff you
know...horses and house parties. Andrew's judgment was doing pretty good
until you came along and jinxed it.
As the Phantom would say, if these demands are not met, the penalty for
crimes against arts and society should be as follows: the immediate
revocation of all titles, honorifics and positions that have anything to
do with Mr. or Mrs. ALW. The removal of ALW's precious pre-Raphaelite
art collection to the national museums and galleries of the UK, where
they can be enjoyed by everyone FOR FREE (with no royalties to ALW or
anyone connected with him). A lifetime of listening to Steven Sondheim's
greatest hits 24/7 for eternity. Duty mucking out Sydmonton's stables 5
days a week, 52 weeks a year for life. Meals catered by McDonald's for
life. The loss of all servants and creature comforts at not only
Sydmonton and the other ALW homes, but businesses as well. You're on
your own kids. Confiscation of all Oscars, Grammy's, Tony's, Olivier's
and other awards until the Phantom movie is not only cast but made with
Michael and Sarah, and only then, ALW and Madeline can view them on the
internet with the boldfaced font informing all viewers that the awards
were taken away for betraying the international community of musical
theater lovers. All royalties and profits from ALW shows will be
diverted from ALW's personal use to schools for the performing arts and
music to train the brilliant young artists of tomorrow who will know
better than to ever, ever betray the public at large. If anyone else can
think of any other suitable punishments for Andrew and Madeline (say,
listening to Marilyn Manson sing Some Enchanted Evening 24/7), please
feel free to submit them to this thread. |