ACT I

SCENE I

Lord Lloyd-Webber is reclining on his chaise longue at Sydmonton Hall, opening his post.  He eyes a dark package suspiciously, opens it and reads the letter it contains: 

My dear Monsieur Lloyd Webber, 

It has come to my notice, that together with the Gentlemen of Warner Brothers, you intend to make a moving picture version of the show that tells the story of my life.  You have never revealed to the public that you composed The Phantom Of The Opera under my personal guidance.  As you well know, it is MY masterpiece, not yours!  You are also aware that it was not by chance that you heard my dearest friend, Monsieur Michael Crawford O.B.E., sing one day.  He has been taught by me and I have revealed the secrets of my poor, wretched soul to no one else.  I will not tolerate changes to my compositions or my story.  Neither will I suffer this Pretender in Monsieur Crawford's place! 

I have composed another musical show for you, employing tunes from Monsieur Crawford's other stage and screen successes, which I have designed to act as a light-hearted reminder to you of your obligations to ME!  Do not try my patience Monsieur, make your choice! 

I remain, Monsieur, Your Obedient Servant, 

O.G.  

Lord Lloyd-Webber places the video that he finds in the package in his VCR and as he does so, The Phantom's voice echoes eerily from the wall behind him -

"Here I bring the finished score - Crawford Triumphant!"  

SCENE II 

Viscomte de Fuselage, Mme Guillotine & Baron Connoisseur have traveled to London to see a performance of POTO.  Afterwards, they hide themselves in Her Majesty’s Theatre.  When everyone is gone, they walk out onto the stage and reminisce about the glorious days when Michael Crawford played the Phantom there:

Great Success!
(To the tune of "EFX" from EFX) 

Viscomte de Fuselage & Baron Connoisseur:
There's a show of great majesty, 
A tale of light and dark. 
A story of such tragedy, 
It stirs your mind and heart.  
It's a magic tale, a fantasy about a man who's born.... 
With a face that he can't show the world because he is deformed!
(Great success!)
* It's a magic show.
New rules do not apply! 
(Great success!)
It's a golden dream. 
We cannot let it die! 
(Great success!)
Magic and mystery, 
Look at the history of this show!  (*of this show)
(Great success! )  

Mme Guillotine:  
A tale that holds your heart and you cannot forsake, 
A dream-ride through candlelight across a glassy lake. 
An amazing show that we all know is the greatest there has been.
How can they want to change the form of a single shining scene! 
(Great success!) 

Repeat*   

Viscomte de Fuselage & Baron Connoisseur:
Chandelier illuminate!  And rise above the stage! 
Give us golden angels, thunderbolts and magic Masquerade! 
Give us velvet hands that hypnotize and hold us in their spell. 
Give us haunted eyes that hide a soul that lives in endless hell!  

These sorry and moronic souls have somewhere lost their minds, 
They cannot see the obvious.  They couldn't be more blind!
They're deaf to us and will destroy the greatest story told. 
Their movie will be laid out here with others, dead and cold!
(Great Success!)  
Repeat *   

ERIK, THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA APPEARS
SUDDENLY IN BOX FIVE AND SINGS: 
Welcome, I am your Success Master! 
I am in charge of this unholy mess! 
A travesty governed by money, by madness, delusion and by pride!
Let me assure you of my POWER ! 
A power unlimited and far beyond your imagination!
I share your vision for this wonderous show. 
Welcome to my Lair beyond the lake! 
Welcome to my plan for SUCCESS! 
Right before their eyes, I will arise, 
I'll terrorize and haunt their lives, 
I'll damn their lies, HAND TO THEIR EYES!
(Great success!) 

Viscomte de Fuselage & Mlle Crepe Suzette:   
It's a magic show! 
They cannot win the fight! 
(Great success!)
People want their dream,    
The Music Of The Night!
(Great success!)
Magic and mystery, 
Look at the history of this show - (of this show) 
Great success!! 
Don't kill this show! 
(Great success!)
This magical show! 
(Great success!)
This fantastic show! 
(Great success!)
Remember this show's GREAT SUCCESS!!

SCENE III 

Lord Lloyd-Webber is on his way to work at the RUG offices.  Traveling along in the back of his gold-plated stretch limo, he sings his own personal theme song on his cell phone, long distance, to the Warner Brothers executives in Hollywood: 

Just Leave Everything To Me
(To the tune of "Just Leave Everything To Me" from Hello Dolly!) 

Lord Lloyd-Webber:
I have always been a man who likes arranging things…..
For the pleasure and the profit it derives…..
I have always been a man who likes arranging things…..
On spectacles and compositions I thrive….. 

If you want a 'big star' courted, box office landed, script imported,
Just leave everything to me……
If you want your set inspected, cast assembled, props collected….
Just leave everything to me….. 

If you want the original Phantom's fate, the movie not to make, then,
I'll accept the forty million fee…..
If you want Phans to be brushed off, letters ignored, protests be fobbed off,
I'll arrange for making all arrangements…..
Just leave everything to me! 

If you need the screenplay bolstered, I'll comply and do what's ordered…..
Just leave everything to me……..
Charming media introductions, push AB as lead performance….
Just leave everything to me.…
If you need the film for box office, make some money, not use artists….
I'll proceed to plan the whole procedure…
Just leave everything to me…… 

If you want 'the original' abolished, Banderas is sweet, we'll get him polished….
Just leave everything to me……
If you want other Phantom's tested, screen tests made for AB's investment...
Just leave everything to me……
If you want the story shifted, songs removed and lyrics lifted…. 

I'll discreetly use my own discretion…. 

I'll arrange for making all arrangements…. 

I'll proceed to plan the whole procedure… 

Just leave everything to me! 

SCENE IV

Lord Lloyd-Webber arrives at his office at RUG, and has Antonio Banderas ushered in by his P.A.  Antonio, desperate for the Phantom movie role because of his waning casting-cred, is worried that Lord Lloyd-Webber might change his mind and cast someone else.  Lord Lloyd-Webber attempts to reassure him:

The Divine Banderas!
(To the tune of "Lovely" (Reprise) from A Funny Thing Happened on The Way To The Forum) 

Banderas:
Look at-a me!  Just-a look at-a me!
(Looking across at Lord Lloyd-Webber's cross-eyed P.A - Miss Krystal Ball ) 

Lord Lloyd-Webber:
SHE can't take her eyes off you!
You're lovely, all you are is lovely.
Lovely is the ONE thing you can do.  

Banderas:
NO!!!!! 

Lord Lloyd-Webber:
Come back here and sit down!
(gesturing toward the casting couch)  

Handsome, what you are is handsome,
You don't need a mask to cover you.
Ooooooh, I'll have to re-write!
You just can't quite manage to sing Music Of The Night.
But I'm happy, happy that you're lovely,
It is what you are so famous for.  

Banderas:
I'm-a lovely, mucho, mucho lovely,
They all-a want to make-a the marr-iage to me! 

Lord Lloyd-Webber's P.A. :
I would!
(Her bosom heaving) 

Banderas: 
Perfecto, tall and dark and-a handsome,
Bellissimo and-a magnifico too.
NOOOWW!  Shouldn't I have-a some-a jewellery? 

Lord Lloyd-Webber: 
Jewellery!  Er?  The Phantom's ring! 

Banderas:
Aah!  I'm so-a lovely!

Lord Lloyd-Webber's P.A.:
Dashingly lovely!
(Now swooning on the floor) 

Lord Lloyd-Webber & Banderas: 
That my/your-a show will now have to be/be-a changed! 

Lord Lloyd-Webber: 
You're so lovely!

Lord Lloyd-Webber & Banderas:  
That my/your-a show will now have to be/be-a changed!

SCENE V 

Viscomte de Fuselage, Mme Guillotine & Baron Connoisseur arrive at Lord Lloyd-Webber's office, but are refused an audience with him.  Consequently, they express their disapproval from outside his door.  Lord Lloyd-Webber eventually joins in through the keyhole: 

Don't Like Your Style
(To the tune of "I Like Your Style" from Barnum) 

Viscomte de Fuselage & Baron Connoisseur:
We're out of step, we disagree,
What's right for you, is wrong can't you see?
Together we're apart a country mile…
We don't like your style, don't like your style… 

Lord Lloyd-Webber:
We're out of step, we disagree,
What's right for you, is wrong for me…
What I propose, you now protest,
The 'Phantom' I like, you just detest.
I wonder if we'll ever reconcile,
You don't like my style, don't like my style… 

Viscomte de Fuselage & Lord Lloyd-Webber:
No shouts or quarrels…
No sobs or tears…
One simple fuss to dissect and discuss,
For hopefully not many more years!!!! 

Viscomte de Fuselage & Baron Connoisseur:
Each blessed day we persistently fill...
With "No if you won't,"
Then "Yes we will!"
At this rate we'll not see eye to eye….
We don't like your style, don't like your style…. 

Viscomte de Fuselage, Baron Connoisseur & Lord Lloyd-Webber:
We're out of step, we disagree,
What's right for you, is wrong for me!!!
Together we're apart a country mile…
Don't like your style, don't like your style… 

Don't like your style…. 

Don't like your style…. 

Don't like your style!!!! 

SCENE VI

Viscomte de Fuselage & Baron Connoisseur leave RUG in disgust, but Mme Guillotine, remains behind and lets Lord Lloyd-Webber know that he has tried her patience to its limit!:

So Long Luvvy!
(To the tune of "So Long Dearie" from Hello Dolly) 

Mme Guillotine:
Gooobye!  Goodbye!  Goodbye!  Goodbyeeee!
Goodbye!  Goodbye!  Goodbye!
Don't try to stop me Andrew!  Pleeeease!
Keep your little screenplay and your lyricists a-plenty,
I ain't a fan of yours no more!
And when you find the cinema is empty,
Don't try to sell me tickets at my door!
'Cos I'll only queue to see Michael Crawford!
You're a Lord, but you should know -
I don't like the way you ignore all your fans luvvy,
I should have said so long, so long ago! 

You have treated Michael so rotten and rough -
I have had ENOUGH, of your ego!
I don't like the way you ignore all your fans, luvvy,
I should have said so long, so long ago! 

Oh I can hear dear Michael's voice singin' to me, The Music Of The Night,
His Phantom is the one I wanna see steering that boat through candlelight!
Ain't paying to see Banderas workin' up a sweat!
I'm goin' as far away from your Phantom film as a girl can get!  Soooo! 

And in those empty cinemas, Andrew -
You can ssssnuggle up to Ben Elton.
He's a little vulgar - but he sings! 

When you regret the choice you made and are depressed and weary -
It was ME, who told you so!
So Andrew, think before you change the story,
You're the one who's gonna be all sad and sorry!
Michael's Phantom is the one to bring you glory!
He's the one you cast soooo long,
He's the one you cast soooo long,
Oh he is the one you cast soooo long ago!
Soooo long ago!

SCENE VII

Meanwhile back in Paris, M. Jardiniere is preparing the grave for the POTO movie in the Cemetery Pere Lachaise, close to the graves of all the other Phantom movies that have died at the Box Office over the years, since Gaston Leroux wrote his book.  M. Avant-Garde offers to help with the digging and they try to see the funny side of this whole sad affair:  

Will He Get The Part?
(To the tune of "The Lobster Quadrille" from Alice's Adventures In Wonderland) 

M. Jardiniere:
Now!  

M. Avant-Garde:
MmMm, Oo, Warner Brothers say they want to make a creative choice.
But they haven't signed the actor who's got the outstanding voice.
See how they are poised to overlook dear Michael, that's not smart!
We are waiting for some common sense.  Will he get the part?! 

Both:
Will he, won't he, will he, won't he, will he get the part?! 
Will he, won't he, will he, won't he, will he get the part?! 

M. Jardiniere:
Swing your partners! All together now! 

We have written to Lloyd Webber and have asked him to be fair.
"I think we have found our Phantom!" is what himself did once swear.
Now he wants to cast a foreigner who has no voice or heart!
Will he find his mind in time and still cast Michael for the part?! 

Both:
Would not, could not, would not, could not, would not cast the part!
Would not, could not, would not, could not, would not cast the part! 

Yee hey!  All together now!  Find his mind!  Find that mind, I tell you! 

M. Avant-Garde:
It matters.... 

M. Jardiniere:
Not yet!  NOT YET!  Now! 

Both:
It matters to the public that this film is like the show!
And the actor they have chosen is the one that we all know.  Good!
Give them the Phantom they have loved, right from the very start!
They're waiting to buy tickets if dear Michael gets the part!
Will he, won't he, will he, won't he, will he get the part?!
Will he, won't he, will he, won't he, will he get the part?! 

dyaaaaaadeeeedaaaadaaaadeeee! Umpa umpa! deeedaaadaaadaaa!  Hey!

SCENE VIII

Viscomte de Fuselage, Mme Guillotine & Baron Connoisseur journey on to New York, where they attend a charitable event arranged by many of Michael's American fans.  They are warmly welcomed and are delighted to find that Michael Crawford is there too.  However, it saddens them that Michael, once again, says he would love the Phantom movie role.  Later at a party, they decide to start a campaign and name it TMCPMC, they then lead the fans in a joyous song:

One Voice At A Time
(To the tune of "One Brick At A Time" from Barnum) 

Mme Guillotine:
The Lord gave each and everyone,
The spark to do what can't be done,
The brawn, the brain, the courage and the heart…
The strength to bend the strongest man,
The will to make them hear the fans,
It's just a case of learning how to start! 

Fans join in:
You'll build a campaign so strong, change their minds, you don't barter,
Begin with one tiny voice at a time….
Then multiply, to a hum, your voices grow and
Shout it out 'The Powers that Be' are all so blind!!
That anti-feel, it can yield miles and miles, of power,
You don't need no magic powers just believe...
And fly up to the sky, from the floor, you can soar!
If you're wise enough to ply, with one voice at a time! 

Baron Connoisseur:
To build a campaign that's made to last,
And give the true Phantom back his mask,
It all begins with just a simple brew,
You place some ads and start a site,
Contact the press about the fight,
Then add a Letter to the Editor or two… 

Fans join in:
You'll build a campaign so strong, change their minds, you don't barter,
Begin with one tiny voice at a time….
Then multiply, to a hum, your voices grow and
Shout it out 'The Powers that Be' are all so blind!!
That anti-feel, it can yield miles and miles, of power,
You don't need no magic powers just believe...
And fly up to the sky, from the floor, you can soar!
If you're wise enough to ply, with one voice at a time! 

Viscomte de Fuselage:
Just take a step and take your time,
And don't give up, just fight the crime,
You'll slowly gain by inch, by foot, then yard…
If you don't hedge, and build some more,
You'll see the proof; it won't be hard,
And from your work a splendid edifice will climb… 

Fans join in:
You'll build a campaign so strong, change their minds, you don't barter,
Begin with one tiny voice at a time….
Then multiply, to a hum, your voices grow and
Shout it out 'The Powers that Be' are all so blind!!
That anti-feel, it can yield miles and miles, of power,
You don't need no magic powers just believe...
And fly up to the sky, from the floor, you can soar!
If you're wise enough to ply, with one voice at a time! 

One voice at a time, one single solitary voice! 

One voice at a time, one single solitary voice! 

One voice at a time, one single solitary voice!

ONE VOICE AT A TIME!!!!

SCENE IX 

Back in Paris, M. Avant-Garde, Mlle Crepe Suzette, M. Jardiniere & Mlle Eau de Toilette go for a walk in the Champs Elysees and plan the next TMCPMC advertisement for Variety.  Their spirits are high and they burst into song and dance, much to the delight of passing Parisians: 

Eloquence
(To the tune of "Elegance" from Hello Dolly) 

M. Avant-Garde & M. Jardiniere:
Yes indeed, it has begun, another ad... we soon will run... 

Mlle Eau de Toilette & Mlle Crepe Suzette:
Phantom fans of Mr. Webber are speaking out with loud vernacular. 

All Four:
What a knack, there is to that, trying to convince an aristocrat.
We've got eloquence, if you ain't got eloquence,
You can never, ever carry it off! 

M. Avant-Garde:
All that are, well bred agree, Lord Webber has pedigree, 

Mlle Eau de Toilette:
Exercise your rights as fans and fight, so Michael can sing Music Of The Night. 

Mlle Crepe Suzette:   
Could they be misleading us? 

M. Avant-Garde & M. Jardiniere:  
What exactly are they feeding us? 

All Four:
We've got eloquence, if you ain't got eloquence,
You can never, ever carry it off! 

M. Jardiniere & Mlle Crepe Suzette:
We've been robbed, ignored and then they've looked down their noses at,
Pity all the Phantom fans around, throwing protests all the world around. 

Mlle Crepe Suzette: 
Snubbing them is weak to us. 

M. Jardiniere: 
They won't condescend to speak to us. 

All Four: 
Still we've got eloquence, if you ain't got eloquence,
You can never, ever carry it off! 

M. Avant-Garde & Mlle Eau de Toilette:
Middle class, don't speak of it, nobodies, we reek of it,
Some were born to rule the classes,
But we see truth, they need the glasses, and.... 

Mlle Crepe Suzette: 
Lord Webber will groan at us. 

M. Jardiniere: 
Warner Brothers are opposed to us.  

All Four:
We've got eloquence, we were born with eloquence........ 

M. Avant-Garde:  
We behave like ladies and gentlemen and we are not slinging mud...

Mlle Eau de Toilette:
But the way the story's going is really boiling all our blood....

Mlle Crepe Suzette:
And despite our persistent pleading Lord Lloyd-Webber seems not moved....

M. Jardiniere:
But the fight we will not willingly give up really proves..... 

All Four:
That we've got eloquence, we've got built-in eloquence,
And with eloquence, eloquence, eloquence!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We'll carry it off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SCENE X

Mme Piece de Resistance and Mme Haute Couture are in TMCPMC's office, where the walls are decorated with photographs of Michael Crawford as The Phantom and sensual red velvet drapes adorn the windows.  Candles illuminate this wonderful Sanctuary Of Michael Crawfordness, as they work late into the night.  Suddenly, a voice mail arrives from Warner Brothers:

Warners & Webber
(Sung to the tune of "Charlie & Algernon" from Flowers For Algernon) 

Warner Bros. Executives:
You ain't got us worried.  We know the routine.
We know how to transfer stage show to big screen. 
Oh Yeah! Warners and Lord Webber - we got it made! 
We know what we're doin'.  Pan out and fade!
Creative decisions will make you a fan. 
You're gonna love another - wild change of plan! 
A handsome actor is, we feel, the very best choice.
And new songs by Lord Webber will suit his lack of voice! 
Come to the matinee, it's all we ask.
Antonio Banderas looks great in a mask!
Thank you very much Movie Campaign! 
Thank you very much Michael Crawford! 
You'll be a wonderful audience.  Wonderful!
Trust us to give you the film of your dreams!
Lloyd Webber is a genius, what a great team! 
Tops Tom and Jerry, you'll be thunderstruck! 
We may yet change our minds and cast Donald Duck!  Quack!  Quack!  Quack! 

Thank you very much ladies and gentleman! 
A funny thing happened to Lord Webber on his way to our sound stage tonight.
Someone came up to him on route, tapped him on the head and said, 
"Excuse me Lord Webber, can you tell me the way to the psychiatrist's conference?"
He says to him, if you are talking to ME, you're half way there! 

OK, over to this side now!  It's a wonder we're still working together. 
Lord Webber wants to split up the act!  
He says he feels stymied and where can he find a Christine?
On Sesame Street?!  What's that?  Phantom Of The Opera!  
What d'ya want then?  A different singer? 
Oh, who's your choice then - Mike Crawford?!! 
Ok, Ok!  All right!  Thank you Campaign! 

Direction will be zany and our casting real dumb!
Come see our Phantom travesty and help it to run. 
We're singin' - Warners and Webber we're gonna be great! 
We won't see any sense, 'til it's too late!

SCENE XI

Suddenly, Erik, The Phantom Of The Opera, appears in a great burst of light from the mirror in the corner of TMCPMC's office.  Mme Piece de Resistance and Mme Haute Couture are awestruck!  Erik looks magnificent, removes his fedora and cape and bows elegantly.  "They try my patience, Ladies!":

A Comedy All Right!
(To the tune of "A Comedy Tonight!" from A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum) 

Erik, The Phantom Of The Opera:
This is outrageous!  This has engaged us! 
Webber insults me - a comedy, all right! 
This is so galling, c'est tres appalling!
Warners insult me - a comedy, all right!
Nothing makes sense, no one applauds, 
Bring on these jesters, loonies and frauds! 
Mad situation!  Much consternation! 
This conspiracy's a fright! 
Tragedy predicted, comedy, all right! 
It's not amusing, There's no excusing 
This plan for casting - a comedy, all right! 
They should beware me, they do not scare me. 
Disaster can be arranged, all right! 

Mme Piece de Resistance & Mme Haute Couture:
He needs a soul, he needs a voice!
Monsieur Crawford is everyone's choice.  

Erik, The Phantom Of The Opera:
The principal characters have, inspired the public, 
They must be played by those with talent and charisma.
First, the part of Raoul, a handsome young man, 
Enthralled by Mademoiselle Daae and vapid slave of fashion!   

Mme Haute Couture: 
He's aristocratic, dressed so dramatic.  Raoul is charming - a dandy, all right! 

Erik, The Phantom Of The Opera:
Second, the part of Christine, an innocent and enchantingly 
beautiful woman, with the voice of an angel and the soul of a saint.  

Mme Piece de Resistance: 
Adored by everyone, an angel, all right!  

Erik, The Phantom Of The Opera:
And finally, the part of The Phantom, who lives beneath the Paris Opera. 
The legendary Angel Of Music himself.  
Understandably, he is my favourite character in the piece. 
The role requires enormous sensitivity and nuance. 
He must be played by an actor of genius and the most magnificent vocal ability. 
Let me put it this way - CRAWFORD HAS THE PART!  

Mme Piece de Resistance & Mme Haute Couture:
Erik demands it, Erik commands it! 
Crawford for Phantom, no comedy, all right! 
No Spanish beefcake, no masked OG fake, 
We want the music of the night. 
Buffoons and jokers!  Comedians and croakers!
Egos and farces!  Banderas-es! 
Laughable! 
Regrettable! 
Ludicrous! 
Ridiculous!
Trouble!  Muddle!  Fiddle - Faddle!  Blunders!  Blunders!  Blunders!  Blunders!  

No change of songs, no change of scene. 
Give us the best Phantom there's ever been!
Don't cause us sadness, this plan is madness!
Let it be all right on the night, 
Crawford for Phantom, no comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, 
Comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, all right!

SCENE XII

Now that they know they have the support and guidance of The Phantom Of The Opera, himself, TMCPMC members feel much inspired and encouraged.  They meet for a celebratory dinner at Restaurant L'Ambroisie, where they sing a new campaign song.  The Maitre d'Hotel and his waiters are enthused and join in with the singing - the whole world wants Michael Crawford to star in the Phantom movie!:

Michael Crawford's Right For The Part!
(To the tune of "Some Of Us Belong To The Stars" from Billy) 

Entire Group:
Michael Crawford's right for the part. 
The only famous Phantom.
The role won him so many awards, 
That he can hardly count 'em! 

Most people say they want Lloyd Webber to cast him.
He is just waiting here for him to ask him.
Michael Crawford's right for the part,
He's the one who's got the Tony.
It beggars everybody's belief,
That Webber wants a phoney!