*Christine would always be wearing some sort of preposterous hat and be referred to as "Sugar," "Sweetheart" or "That Crazy Singing Dame."

*The Phantom’s wardrobe would never be seen.  He would only appear as a shadow on the dimly lit walls.

*The Phantom’s disfigurement would be the result of attempting to swallow a live grenade to save a war buddy.

*Instead of the Opera stage, Christine and Carlotta would be competing for a seat on a plane flight out of war-torn Paris.  But they’d be singing all the time anyway.

*The title of the movie would either be "Phantablanca" or "The Maltese Phantom."

*Claude Raines and Peter Lorrie would be the leading contenders for the title role but Humphrey Bogart would actually get to land the part.

*The Phantom’s lair would be the upper floor of a quiet little bar and the cafe where German officers often stop by to laugh at the frightened Parisians.

*In the Final Scene, the highly-organized mob would turn out to be the French Resistance.

Madame Giry would be revealed to not really be Meg’s mother, but instead a kindly soul who’s been trafficking young dancers to the safety of the United States.

*Every room in every scene, from every angle of every shot would have stairs leading to an upstairs we never see.

*The Overture would take place during a pre-movie cartoon, and would be part of a Bugs Bunny "support the war effort" cartoon.

*Mist. Everywhere.

*The Angel would be replaced by a stone gargoyle.  From time to time, for no apparent reason, the camera would return to a close-up of it. (But we’d still see stairs somewhere.)

*In the final scene, Christine and Raoul would escape in a waiting cargo plane.  The Phantom would be seen from an aerial shot as the plane flies away from him.  He’d drop a rose he’d been holding onto.  The camera would zoom in on the rose lying on the runway. Roll credits.

 *Christine would wear a poodle skirt and chew bubblegum onstage.

*The Phantom’s tuxedo would be replaced with a black leather jacket.

*Instead of the Opera stage, Christine and Carlotta would be competing for Prom Queen.

*The title of the movie would either be "Phantom of the Hop," or "Beach Blanket Beastie."

*Elvis would be a leading contender for the title role.  Even though he’s dead.

*The Phantom’s lair would be inside a converted bomb shelter.

*In the final scene, the mob would consist of only teenage girls.

Madame Giry (now a school principal) would be heard to say, "Meg Giry, are you not a dancer?  Then Twist!"

*Instead of an organ, the Overture would be played on piano.  By Little Richard.

*The movie would be presented in "PanaStage," where it’s filmed in an auditorium nearly three times as wide as regular theaters.

*The Angel would be replaced by a giant hood ornament.

*At the end, the Phantom’s dad would pat him on the back and tell him, "It’s okay to be different, no matter what anyone else thinks."  Then the last shot of the movie would zoom in on the LifeSavers candy that his dad was handing to him.

*Christine is barefoot, wearing a tie-dyed caftan and a ring of flowers in her unbound hair.

*The Phantom’s tux would be replaced by black bell bottoms, bare chest and love beads.

*Instead of the opera stage, Christine and Carlotta would be competing for a role in "Hair" or a slot at Woodstock.

*The leading contender for the role would be Jim Morrison--All that Angst!

*The Phantom’s lair would be a defunct VW Bus in the back field.

*The mob in the final scene would all be on hallucinogens and finally decide that Erik is "cool, man..."

*Madame Giry, now wearing a flowing caftan and much mellowed out, would be heard to exclaim, "Meg Giry, are you not a dancer?  The go with the flow!"

*Instead of an organ, the overture would be played on a MOOG Machine with an overdriven guitar as an accent.

*The movie would be presented in "Free Form flashbacks."

*Instead of an angel, we would have a giant tablet with a peace symbol incised upon it.

*At the end, Christine and Erik give into ‘free love" and Raoul understands:)  Hmmmm...

*Christine wears a polyester halter/leotard dress with flared skirt and incredibly ugly shoes.

*The Phantom’s tux would be white with a black shirt and a gold medallion hanging from his neck.

*Christine and Carlotta would be competing for "Disco Queen."

*The movie title would be something like "Phantom of the Discotheque" or "the Beastie Boogie."

*The leading contender would be, who else?  John Travolta.

*Box 5 would be replaced by a dim DJ booth high above the dance floor.

*The chandelier would become a giant mirrored ball.

*Madame Giry would now admonish Meg to "Do the Hustle!"

*The organ, nay, the ENTIRE ORCHESTRA, would be replaced by a huge recombinant synthesizer.

*In the end, Erik and Raoul would settle things like men... On the dance floor in a challenge with the multicolored lights flashing in tempo!

*The entire story would take place inside a high school library in some small Christian town where nobody is allowed to dance.

*Christine would wear a spandex bodysuit with leg warmers, and about 85 bracelets.

*The Phantom’s tuxedo would be replaced with parachute pants and a black Member’s Only jacket.  His mask would be electric blue.  And glittery.

*Instead of the Opera stage, Christine and Carlotta would be competing for Head Cheerleader.

*The title of the movie would be "Flock of Phantoms," "Phantadu" or "Phantomloose."

*Madonna would be the leading contender for the role of Christine.  Still, the Phantom’s hair would stand taller than hers.

*The Phantom’s lair would be in a giant, one-room studio apartment with twenty-foot high windows, converted from an old warehouse.

*In the final scene, the mob would consist of punk rockers, eager to stab the Phantom to death with their spiked hair.

*Madame Giry (a cheerleader’s mom) would secretly be arranging to have her estranged husband murder Christine.

*Instead of an organ, the Overture would be pre-programmed on a MIDI track.  The entire thing would be played by one guy holding his finger on one key on a keyboard.  The whole show would be lip-synched.  Badly.

*Kevin Bacon would be the leading contender for the role of the Phantom.

*During the rooftop scene (which now takes place just as the sun is touching the horizon), the camera would rotate around and around Christine and Raoul as they sing "All I Ask of You."  The shot would keep spinning faster and faster until every head in the movie theater was wobbling back and forth.

*At the end, everyone’s parents would realize that Christine, Raoul, the Phantom and "all their friends" ought to have a chance to be heard, even though they’re just kids.

*During the credits, we’d see out-takes and bloopers that happened during filming.

*Christine would wear only Halston originals.

*The Phantom’s tuxedo would be Armani.

*Christine and Carlotta would be competing for the performance rights to a brand new score.

*The title of the movie would be "For the Love of the Phantom" or "Lovers and Other Phantoms."

*Some idiot would still be trying to cast Antonio Banderas, but Michael Crawford would actually GET the role:)

*We would never be quite sure where the Phantom’s lair is, but it would be decorated with incredible taste and the organ would be polished to a high shine.  The candles would all be some sort of aromatherapy.

*In the final scene, there would be a massive automobile chase involving extremely expensive cars and lots of explosions.

*Madame Giry would turn out to be Meg’s adoptive mother and Meg would go forth into a spin-off where she seeks her birth mother.

*The music would still be played on an organ, but it would be programmed to play itself.

*There would be a touching scene added to make sure that we all know that Christine is in love with both Raoul and Erik.

*The Angel would be much, much larger, and it’s eyes would appear to follow people.

*In the final scenes of the film, Raoul would present Christine with a major pre-nuptial agreement along with the return of the engagement ring.  She would be offended in the extreme and run off to find Erik.  She would find him lying in hospital swathed in bandages, and would arrive just in time to witness as the world’s greatest plastic surgeon removes them to reveal that Erik is a stunningly handsome man who looks shockingly like Michael Crawford.